I Tried a Therapist for Dating — Here’s My Honest Take

I was tired. Swiping, texting, guessing. I kept picking the same kind of person, then wondering why I felt small and stressed. So I tried something new. I hired a therapist who works on dating and relationships (there are solid reasons relationship experts recommend this—here’s a deeper dive into why therapy-savvy partners can be a huge plus).

If you want to see how eerily similar someone else’s journey can look, check out this honest take on trying a therapist for dating—their pivots and panic moments felt like reading my own diary.

You know what? It wasn’t magic. But it helped. A lot.

What I signed up for

Weekly video sessions, 50 minutes, for 8 weeks
Cost: $140 per session (I asked for a lower rate later and got $110)
I found my first therapist on the Psychology Today directory. I later tried BetterHelp for a month because of schedule drama.
My therapist was an LMFT. She worked with dating app stuff, attachment, boundaries, and breakups.

I used my HSA card for payments. Insurance was tricky for me. BetterHelp didn’t bill my plan, but it was about $75 a week for me, with messages.

First session feelings

I told her I get nervous after dates. I blow up my own phone. I read every emoji like a secret code. She nodded. She said, “Let’s slow the spin. Let’s give you a plan.”

We set three goals:

Pick better people
Text with less panic
Know my “no”

Simple. Not easy. But simple.

Real things we did that actually changed my dates

The “24-Hour Pause”
After date two with a guy from Bumble, I wanted to send five heart-eye texts. My therapist said, “Try a pause. Sleep on it.” I sent one clear note the next day: “I had a nice time. Free next Thursday.” He answered. I didn’t spiral.
A late-night “u up?” from my ex
Old me would answer. New me used a script we wrote:
“I don’t chat late. I’m free tomorrow at 6 if you want to talk.”
He said, “Okay.” I felt steady. Like I had a spine and a smile.
The “Two-Week Pace” rule
We set a pace. Two weeks before sleepovers. Two dates a week max. Gentle, not strict. It cut that rushy, crashy feeling. I could see red flags sooner.
Green flag, red flag list
My green flags: shows up on time, asks me questions, talks about plans.
My red flags: makes me guess, mocks small things, disappears for days.
After one coffee date, he joked about my job, then brushed it off. Red flag. I passed. I felt weird but proud.
Questions that screened people fast
She gave me three easy ones:
“What does a normal weekend look like for you?”
“How do you handle conflict?”
“Are you seeing anyone else right now?”
One guy said, “I hate conflict, I just shut down.” Good to know. Another said, “I talk it out, then I need space.” Also good to know.
“Name the story” tool
When I spun out, I wrote: “Story: He didn’t text back. I’m not worth it.”
Then: “Facts: It’s Wednesday. He said work is wild. He texted yesterday.”
My body calmed. My brain stopped being mean.

Talking about sexual boundaries around flirty photos was another big aha moment. My therapist taught me a quick “Show-or-Slow” check: was I sending that teasing snap because I felt playful—or because I felt pressured? During a late-night research spiral, I stumbled on this candid French post — je montre mon minou — and watching someone openly explain how they decide when, how, and with whom to share intimate pics gave me a clear, confidence-boosting model for keeping agency before I ever hit “send.”

Homework that didn’t feel like homework

Date Debrief
After each date, I wrote 5 quick things:
1. What I liked,
2. What felt off,
3. How my body felt (tight chest, steady, buzzy),
4. Values check (kind, honest, playful),
5. Would I go again?
  Patterns popped. Fast.
Non-negotiables and nice-to-haves
My musts: kind to waiters, steady job or steady plan, honest texting, respects no, wants a real relationship.
My nice-to-haves: dog person, tall-ish, likes board games, cooks sometimes, good with kids.
Quick skills
5-5-30 breathing (5 in, 5 out, 30 times) before I text.
I-statements: “I like seeing you. I want weekly dates. How do you feel?”

We also talked about attachment styles. I lean anxious. That just means closeness is big for me, and quiet can feel scary. Naming it helped me respond, not react.

What I loved

Clear scripts
We wrote lines I could actually use. Not corny. Not fake. Real words in my voice.
Less guessing
I learned to ask. “Are you looking for a relationship?” If they said “maybe,” I believed them. And moved on.
I felt more me
Not cooler. Not tougher. Just me, with guardrails. I smiled more on dates because I wasn’t trying so hard.
My results
By week 6, I was seeing one person on purpose. Not exclusive yet. But it felt calm, not shaky. We planned dinners. We talked about money and time. That was new for me.

What bugged me

Cost
It adds up. I was lucky to get a lower rate. Ask for a sliding scale. Many therapists have one.
Sometimes too much “childhood”
I wanted tools. She wanted my history. We found a mix. If you want more skills, say so. It’s your hour.
Switching therapists
My first match was sweet but vague. I switched. The second was practical. Better fit. It’s okay to change.
Online lag
Video froze twice. We laughed. Still annoying.

Who this helps most

If you're curious about how relationship therapy actually works, this quick explainer breaks down the process step by step.

You text-spin and can’t stop checking your phone
You pick the same type and feel small or confused
You’re fresh out of a breakup and need safe guardrails
You want to ask for what you want without sounding harsh
You need help with apps, profiles, and first messages

Thinking about casting a wider net online? My tongue-in-cheek but data-packed first-person review of several European dating apps might give you fresh ideas—or at least a few laughs. On the other hand, if your priority is seeing who’s available for something low-key and local tonight, you can run a quick proximity check via this Bismarck-specific adult search tool that surfaces real-time, adult-only profiles in the area so you’ll know whether there’s a potential match within coffee-distance before committing to more swipes.

Small tips that saved me time

Bring screenshots (blur names) of chats. Work through exact replies.
Ask for scripts you can tweak. Keep them in Notes.
Set a goal for the month: less panic, better picks, or kinder self-talk.
Check credentials: LMFT, LCSW, LPC, PhD. Ask if they work with dating app stuff.
Ask about cancel rules and how messages work between sessions.
For an instant gut-check on your profile and photos, I tried DateHotter’s free analyzer and got surprisingly useful feedback in about two minutes.
Craving an IRL shake-up instead of another swipe? My play-by-play from a speed-dating night in Seattle shows exactly how structured mingling can reboot your energy.

Quick money notes

Here’s what I paid:

$140 per session for 3 weeks
Sliding scale to $110 for 5 weeks
BetterHelp month at about $75 per week with messages

Your area may be different. If money is tight, ask about group sessions. Some are great and cheaper.

Did it actually help?

Yes. Not perfect, but yes. I feel steadier. I choose better. I say no faster. I also say yes with less fear. I’m not trying to win. I’m trying to connect.

Funny thing: I thought I needed a whole new me. I didn’t. I needed a plan, a pause, and a few good lines.

Final say

If dating makes your chest tight and your